Archive for the ‘Back In The Day’ Category

No Place Like Home

Monday, February 1st, 2010

I was born and raised in Tallahassee before moving to Gainesville in the summer of 1993.  Barely 20 years old and tired of being unable to turn a corner without bumping into someone who knew me, or knew of me by virtue of my rather popular law enforcement father, I was eager to get out of town and spread my wings a bit.  My sister and her husband had moved to Gainesville less than a year before for work, and offered to put me up for a few months till I had a job and found a place on my own.  That was all the incentive I needed.

I called a friend of mine who ran the local temp agency to see if she had any ideas for my new job search.  She was eager to contact her pal at the temp agency in Gainesville to see if there were any good job prospects she was looking to fill.  Two weeks later I was making a day trip to Gator Country to interview for a job with a research & development firm as their receptionist/secretary.  Two weeks after that I was making my move with all of my worldly possessions stuffed in the trunk and back seat of my Chevy Cavalier.  The first three months in town passed quickly as I settled in to my new routines, got lost multiple times driving around a new city, and set about finding roommates and a place to live.

The first few years I was in Gainesville I had a hard time reconciling the fact that I was home.  To me, home was back in Tallahassee. Home was Momma’s house.  No matter how many roots I began to put down in Gainesville with my career, my new relationships, and what would become my new family – Gainesville never felt like home.

It wasn’t until after I was married and packing for yet another move – this one to Lafayette, Louisiana – did I begin to feel like Gainesville was home.  A home that all of a sudden wasn’t really mine anymore.  Being in Louisiana, so far away from my family, was excruciatingly difficult.  We made our way in that small Cajun town and quickly developed friendships that last even now.  But I was homesick, for Gainesville of all places.

Two short years later, in yet another move, we found our way back to Gator Country.  This time with a baby girl buckled in the back seat of a four-dour sedan, we were home.  Roots that had been established years before were now reinforced and made stronger.  Another baby, a boy, added to our family and things seemed quite permanent.  Years passed, some things stayed the same, but others changed drastically.  “Family” took on a different meaning, lists of “his” and “hers” were made and yet another moving day was had.

I began to think seriously about my ties back home to Tallahassee.  The reasons for being in Gainesville had changed so much over time and I felt a continual pull to return to the roots that had been in place all along.  People in my life, who I had counted on in the past, were no longer there.  I felt very alone and adrift.

One day while visiting with my family back in Tallahassee, I received a phone call from my daughter informing me that her father was moving back to Gainesville.  His previously employer had moved him back to Louisiana but the distance away from his children was just to great.  It had taken time, but he had finally found a new job back in Gainesville.  Back home.  I knew in that instant, that finally – Gainesville was my home too.  There was no way I could move my children away from their father and sever those ties, after he had gone to such lengths to return to them.

We were all home.

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What Was I Thinking?

Sunday, November 1st, 2009

On Wednesday morning, The Girl leaves out for a three day camping trip with all the 5th graders at her school.  I, like the pure genius that I am, signed up to chaperone.  Shoot me.

As much as I would love to brag about being a pro at camping and all the assorted skills that accompany such a hobby, I can’t.  Because I am not.  It’s not that I’m opposed to the idea of camping.  Or bugs.  It’s just that I am severely deficient in camping experience. 

The first time I ever camped was over 23 years ago.  There was about 20 of us and we had paid guides that led us on a river rafting/kayaking trip where we camped overnight along the banks of the Nolichucky River near Poplar, NC.  Because it was a guided trip, we had very little work to do on our own with the setting up of tents and whatnot.  But still, I had fun.  A ton of fun actually.

The second (and last) time I ever went camping was when I was 20 years old.  A friend from work and I borrowed a tent and a couple of sleeping bags and decided we were going to go camp out at the primitive camp grounds at the beach.  We thought we were brilliant to pack frozen chicken breasts in Italian dressing to thaw and marinate at the same time while we drove out there and set up the tent.  Oh, did I mention it was dark when we got to the camp site?  Or that we had never laid eyes on the borrowed tent before that night?  Comedy in action – that’s what we were as we struggled to get that tent set up by the head lights of our vehicle.  At least the chicken tasted good coming off the grill.

So now we find ourselves, woefully unprepared yet again and about to venture out with 150 5th graders.  My saving grace this time is that we will be in cabins at a well known kids summer camp facility.  The Girl spent a week there this past summer and had a blast.  She’s been looking forward to this 5th grade trip for the past three years.  It’s a rite of passage of sorts. 

Truth be told I’m glad to be going.  Glad to be able to spend this time with The Girl.  Sure, we’ll be surrounded by dozens of other children all week, but it’ll still be quality mother/daughter time.  We’re laying out our sleeping bags and bug spray, blankets and sunscreen too.  It’s Florida after all. 

Hopefully my next entry will be filled with good tales of adventure and fantastic fun.  Wish us luck!

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Testimony

Sunday, June 28th, 2009

churchpewThe earliest memories of my faith were as a toddler, climbing in and out of the lap of my mother as we sat on the back pew of the church.  I remember little more than a few names that float in and out of my mind and run together as a single face. 

As I grew older, the memories become clearer and more specific:  photographs taken the first day of Kindergarten Sunday School class as I stood against the bulletin board in my white sundress.  Third Grade lessons learning the books of the New Testament on Easter Sunday.  A stroll up the aisle holding my mother’s hand as we went to whisper in the Pastor’s ear followed weeks later with a dip in warm waters, all the while never understanding the commitments I had just made.

Years later after my family split in two and I lived with my father, those bible school lessons and class pictures ended.  We stopped blessing our meals and started sleeping in on Sunday mornings.  We didn’t turn away so much as tune out. 

As a young adult, I held faith at an arms length.  Far enough to be out of the way, lest I trip on it, but close enough that I could draw it in when it was convenient for me.  When asked, I could give the right answers and say the proper words, but the meanings were never relevant in my life.  I was doing just fine on my own.  My empty faith was never forefront in any major decision I made and it was painfully obvious.

I had many conversations with my middle sister where faith was discussed and dissected.  I knew I lacked the strength that I desired and the many nights I spent on the phone with her in council let me to read the Left Behind book series.

On a cool January night as I lay in bed reading chapter 12 where a man watches a video left for the church’s members who were “left behind,” I had the crystal clear revelation of my own that in my mind and in my heart, I believed that if our Lord returned to the Earth that night, that I would be left behind.  Tears poured from my eyes as my own sin was revealed to me.  I cried for all the times I had put my faith and my Lord on the back burner.  I cried for the horrible witness for Jesus I had been.  Then I slid off the bed and onto my knees, bowed my head and prayed, asking Jesus to forgive me of my sins. I declared my trust in Him – my belief that His shed blood was enough for my life.

I was 26 years old and my journey was far from over.  It took another five years before I would break through other barriers in my life and find a local church to make my home.

I think part of being a Christian is to admit that we are not perfect.  To admit that we have difficulties in our lives and deal with real struggle – these things make us human.  I stumble all the time.  But the difference now is that I have God as my guidepost.

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Reconciling The Past

Monday, April 20th, 2009
I have a picture of my grandparents that was taken in the late 1930′s before they married and went on to have 10 kids, 30+ grandchildren and countless great-grandchildren. My version of the photo is from the scanned original. It’s still faded and you can see a few small tears and crinkled edges that translated over in the scan. In this picture I see only smiles and hands held as they stand there with their faces toward the sunshine. They are frozen in time and this is their past.

I wonder sometimes why I allow myself to stay so fixated on my own past. Why I look at the wrinkled picture of my own life and choose not to focus on the torn edges of failed relationships and instead hold on to the sunshine. Am I doomed to repeat the mistakes I’ve already made if I choose not to remember them?

Instead of making attempts to go out and meet new people (i.e. men), I lay in bed each night and reminisce about those that hurt me or disappointed me eventually, but at their best – was exactly what I wanted at that moment in time.

When will the time come where I can let each of them go for good? Why do I still get pleasure from certain memories? The breathless moment his lips touched my neck for the first time. The coolness of the sterling silver Tiffany cuff links in my hands before I wrapped a Christmas bow on the box. The look on his face as he smiled in a picture taken just for me. Different moments, different relationships, but the memories meld together to form one imperfect situation.

I want to stop living in the past. It’s only after the lights go out that I get this way. My days are full and content. In the light of day I am able to hold on to my contentment in being single, and being single for the long haul. The nights are so very different. In the nighttime, I crave those breathless moments.

The desires of my heart and the realities of my life seem miles apart. I have to find reconciliation.

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It’s Not Rambling If I Know Exactly What I Mean

Sunday, November 23rd, 2008
I don’t want to find myself falling into old, unproductive habits. I want to learn from my past and grow beyond the short-sited existence that I lived two years ago. But I find myself, at least in my mind, allowing the memories of certain events to take control of my thoughts and they linger a little longer than necessary.

If I continue to dwell on the past – even the good parts – how can I fully embrace my future?

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