We all want these big definable moments to happen in our lives where we can point to them in the moment and say, “yep, this is it.” But for the most part what happens is those definable moments come into focus in hindsight. Those moments where we look back and either find validation for the decisions we’ve made or the actions we’ve taken or we sit there, munch on our carrot and declare, “I knew I should have made that left turn in Albuquerque.”
A wise friend of mine has told me for years, “life is what happens while you wait.” I’m sure he’s smiling to himself now as he reads this because he’s right. You’ve been right all along. All these years while life has been happening, good or bad, those definable moments have happened as well. Whether it was the heart wrenching loss of love, the devastation of losing our home because of a fire, or even the little every day joys all around me, all these details of life were not planned, not pointed out just before they happened (“pay attention Elle Dubya, something big is about to happen!”), yet they did happen. They have all come together to define who I am.
There was no blinking sign. No bullhorn to call out signals. No green arrow painted on the ground to lead the way. Some of the moments came as a whisper in my ear from a 7 year old boy saying, “I love you right under God.” Some of those moments, while whispered to me, came like a gunshot, “Lisa go home, your apartment is on fire.” Some moments never came at all, and I find great definition in the things that didn’t happen as well.
It’s nice to go back and re-read some of the entries in this blog and be reminded of all the living I’ve done these past few years. To have the written history is my own self-validation in some parts, self-pity in others. The rest of my story is unwritten. I have to be ready for it, live it, define it if it’s definable but most important of all – be ok with it if it’s undefinable.