It’s been a full year since my divorce was final. A year since the destruction and chaotic madness went away and peace settled in it’s place. A year spent rebuilding and reassuring myself that my instincts could be relied on. A year spent focusing on my faith and my family and a year spent learning how to trust again.
I purposefully made myself unavailable to anyone for anything more than a basic friendship. It’s just been easier that way. I’ve needed the time for recovery and restoration. I’ve enjoyed the time alone for myself and the rediscovery of who I am and what I want from my life. I’m still scared of putting myself out there in the dating world. I’m scared to open my heart at the risk of it getting stomped on yet again. I’m terrified of letting the walls come down.
But in spite of all the fears and reservations within me, there alongside is that desire for love. I know that God did not create me to be alone. I don’t just hope to find someone to spend my life with, I expect it. I expect God to put the right person in my path.
I have to believe that there is a man out there praying tonight for God to put me in his path. I wish I could let him know that I’m praying for him too.
“Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.” Song of Solomon 8:6-7
You are off to a good start by citing the Song of Songs in your heart. Marriage is intended to be a reflection – albeit, only a pale glimmer at that, of the Eternal Love exchanged among the Persons of the Trinity.
What is commonly thought of as part of the curse on woman from the Fall (“…yet your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.” Gen 3:16) was not the curse itself, which immediately precedes it, is in fact a prediction as to how it would be for woman.
What is often overlooked is that this prediction draws on woman’s yearning for relationship, which is residual to that first marriage and how it was originally between man and woman (think of the marriage relationship as reflecting Trinitarian love) before the fall.
Man lost that yearning but woman has a built-in instince to be relational. Men need to be educated on the treasures contained within, most often by women, on their journey into spiritual leadership within relationship.
Ironic, isn’t it, that woman’s desire to be relational is so essential in the mid-wifing to man’s spiritual awakening. And yet, this is how He made us within. Woman is truly man’s helpmeet but in a manner so enriching that in fact she is far more than the word implies. She is truly his equal but is so different from him in what she brings to the table. In the hypersexualized culture of our day men and women have lost sight of so much of this, and sadly so many women have capitulated to the male-centered view of relationships. Male spiritual leadership – one in which man refuses Adam’s failure to protect Eve in the Garden – consists of accepting responsibility to protect his woman, and begins first and foremost by protecting her from himself; from his lusts. This is an act of self-donated love; placing the well-being and best interests of the beloved over your own well-being as well as selfish desires.
Of course, it goes without saying that, like the beloved in the Song of Songs, woman is receptive to receiving that love but also reciprocates so that self-donation is mutual. A woman’s imagination is fertile grown for divining what that would look like in fact. The heart positively races when considering the possibilities.
Men need to be acquainted with the notion of spiritual leadership, but to do so they need to begin on theirown spiritual journey, either at their own initiation or from th einfluence of a good woman. The pay-off for her – and him – results when he matures into a seasoned prayer warrior who applies his spirituality to relationship, especialy with her. Man does well to harken to these words taken from the Jewish Talmud, the book in which the preaching and sayings of rabbis are conserved over time:
“Be careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man’s rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved.”
Also, these words:
“When a man loves a woman, he has to become worthy of her. The higher her virtue, the more her character, the more devoted she is to truth, justice, goodness, the more a man has to aspire to be worthy of her.” ~ Bishop Sheen
Keep these words in mind as you again explore relationship with man. They not only guide man in his duties to woman, they guide you in holding men accountable to their futie to God, you, and your children (including the not-yet-born).
One last thought: check out Theology of the Body. There is a wealth of material on it online as well as many books. It was developed by Pope John Paul II to fight back and re-take the culture from the hyper-secualized secular forces hell-bent on destroying family and relationship with each other and with God. You may not be Catholic but it is scripturally based, and is spilling over into the non-Catholic Christian world because Christians everywhere are beginning to grasp what a weapon it is in our modern anti-Christian world.
It has transformed my own heart in a way I never would have believed was possible.
If I can be of assistance in your exploration of this dynamic approach to relationship I am happy to do so. Armed with TOB we are better able to find what we seek in relationship because the clarity of our understanding of what it looks like allows us to raise the bar – for ourselves and for our prospective spouse.
Take your time with dating, and know you have my best wishes and you are in my prayers.
Thank you for such a well thought out comment. So many of the points you make have been central to my own spiritual journey which includes finding the man God has planned out for me. No, I’m not Catholic (Southern Baptist as it were), but I will keep in mind your suggestion regarding the TOB. By the way, you win the award for the longest comment ever on any blog I’ve ever been a part of. Hands down! Thank you again and God bless you.
BTW,
I love your layout, and this post card comment form is great!!!
Who provides your blogging software? Your URL indicates now standard blog host I am aware of.
Phil
It’s all through WordPress, but insteach of running it from them, I have my own URL and host it with a friend who does computer consulting. The blog format is just a template that I picked out and click click click, it’s done. I used blogspot in the past but like the behind the scenes management of WordPress much better (such as editing comments!).
I totally understand the yearning and longing, but as another passage in SoS states, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” Gods timing, not ours is the goal. Pray about it at length. Then give it all to Him and get busy about His work while waiting for His will to play out.
Some of the very best marriages I know of were situations where the individuals had finally given up trying to ‘find’ their ‘ideal’ person…and asked the Lord to do the choosing for them. In nearly every case, at a time when they least expected it…there it was…the love worth waiting for.
The Lord has good things in store for you, Elle. He knows the desire of your heart. I think I’ve told you before about my sister in law’s story, how she and her husband met after both of them had their hearts crushed in first marriages. I do believe that as a result, their committment to making their marriage work is even stronger than it was the first time around.
It has to happen according to God’s will and His timing – otherwise its not of Him and not right. I think I have the patience to wait. 95% of the time, I’m ok with this. It’s that other 5% of the time when I allow myself to think about what it would be like to have my own Solomon – that’s when it’s tough.
Different songs:
“Put me in, Coach – I’m ready to play today”
“Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.”
“You can’t always get what you want; And if you try sometime you find; You get what you need.”
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing; Watch you smile while you are sleeping; While you’re far away and dreaming.”
“Say ‘nighty night’ and kiss me; Just hold me tight and tell me you’ll miss me.”
“Fools rush in…” that one could have been my theme song a few years ago!
i’m going to share what a camp counselor told my girl. i think it’s good advice.
dance with god. he will let only the right guy cut in.
agreed. and quite possibly the best advice i’ve heard in a looong time.
You will find him someday. I will keep you in my prayers. You deserve to find him soon.
I thought I had a long time ago, I was wrong. But there’s always “someday.”
A belated happy annivorcery to you. Some people view their date with melancholy (or worse) but I think it is a day to be celebrated. I don’t glorify divorce – I sure as hell hope not to have another – but the freedom to make better decisions, the find true happiness is a great thing.
I think I had to first find happiness in myself, in being single, and to truly believe that such happiness could exist. It does, btw.
And one of my favorite Sunday school stories:
A man is sitting on his porch as flood waters rise. A woman floats by in a boat, asking if the man needs help. “No, thank you,” says the man, “I’m trusting in the Lord.” The waters rise higher, sending the man upstairs. A raft full of people floats by his second story window. “Get in,” they say, “there’s plenty of room.” “No thanks,” says the man, “I’m trusting in the Lord.” The flood waters keep rising, pushing the man up to the roof. A helicopter swoops in, lowering its ladder for the man. “Thanks anyway,” shouts the man, “I’m trusting in the Lord.” Finally, the man is swept away in the torrent and drowns. At the gates of Heaven, the man asks God, “Why didn’t you save me?” “What do you mean?” replies God, “I sent two boats and a helicopter.”
You make it sound like I’m missing out on multiple opportunities. I assure you there is no line formed outside my front door. And honestly, I’m not quite sure what I will do if/when I’m asked out in what will be my first date post-divorce. I want it to happen, I just need to practice that new found patience here.
I have a bunch of poor connected thoughts. I’m going to bullet them out. You know I am trying to offend, so when I have mis-said something or when you have questions, please ask (or send me an email and we’ll discuss it off-line or call me and we can do it old school).
I agree that you need to put your patience into practice. I am a huge fan of patience. Does this fit with my past, or the past you know about: Six months before she met my girls. For three years we have behaved as I would want the girls to behave with a boy. When the girls are around: She has never spent the night; We have never shared a bed while away from home; We have never kisses or touched above a G rated movie. I will not have my behavior thrown in my face when they begin dating.
When you met the Mr. Wrong, you were actively search for the man God had put in your path to be with you. Turn out you found a learning opportunity masquerading as a man. I think every day is filled with learning opportunities. Some may be men. Some may be another temptation. Many pass unnoticed because you have already learned the lesson. The trick is identifying the new ones with as little damage as possible.
I think you have missed multiple opportunities. You did not see them because you weren’t ready and weren’t looking. They probably weren’t opportunities for a partner to share your life with, but they may have been someone who could become a friend. And he may have a friend and that friend’s friend may have been the man. Dating is all about networking. Sometimes, the right person can be found using a cheesy pick-up line in a smoky bar at 2am. More often, it will be someone who has been vetted by friends or family. They’ll have common interests. They’ll have an acceptable world view even if their politics are “stupid”. It has been my experience that eligible men worth having do not line up at doors – they need to be found.
I remember Jessica being bent out of shape as you headed for marriage number two. She thought that it was extremely unfair that you were getting two chances at living happily ever after before she got her first one. I told her (or I should have) that happily ever after is not the finish line. You cannot race to see who get there first. It is the journey. And it has its ups and downs. I suspect that there are times where happily ever after is such a happy thing.
Finally (maybe), I found a fairly cool relationship (he calls it marriage) site. It could be that we share this view “Marriage is more about becoming a better human than it is about the two people being happy.” Marriage (any relationship – look at you and BFF) is not always sweetness and sunshine. There are struggles, strain and discomfort that accompany some personal and relationship growth. After the turmoil, the relationship (or you) should be a better. Many of these struggles are barely a blip on the radar, some are really shitty days or weeks. In the end, you are a sum of all these experiences. [That doesn't mean you should have stayed married to Mr. Wrong. The cost was much higher much higher than any benefit staying with him would have paid. And you were the only one working on that relationship.]
I don’t think any relationship talk would be complete with Dan Savage’s The Price of Admission NSFW piece. “There is no settling down with out a little settling.” That doesn’t mean you should toss out your list of deal breaker, but you may want to narrow it or recategorized it to must haves and highly desirables. I think these is easier to do before you hit the “I am tired of being alone. I must find a life partner NOW!” mode (back to you patience). Also, settling is done at the end not at the beginning. If you refuse to date a great guy just because he is a lapsed Catholic and hasn’t been to church since his confirmation, you may miss a practically perfect man. You may also miss the chance to reintroduce him to God.
Ok – first the parts I agree with: “I will not have my behavior thrown in my face when they begin dating.” You know me well enough to understand how important this is to me – that the examples I set for my children are an utmost priority. Second: “The trick is identifying the new [opportunities] with as little damage as possible.” I hate to sound like a broken record – but this is the part that I’m still fearful of – trusting my instincts, and entrusting my heart to another man. Now then – where I vehemently dissagree: “you may want to narrow [your list of deal breakers] or recategorized it to must haves and highly desirables” and (because they go hand in hand) “If you refuse to date a great guy just because he is a lapsed Catholic and hasn’t been to church since his confirmation, you may miss a practically perfect man.” Sorry, but I don’t see myself relaxing on this one, too much at least. Especially where faith and religion are concerned. He 100% must be a Christian. I mean totally and completely head over heals in love with Christ. Sure, the preference is that he be Southern Baptist but I do not see myself even dating someone outside of my faith. Don’t misread this into thinking I’m passing on an opportunity to share my faith and testimony with someone, but I do not believe in “missionary dating” – I’m not dating someone to win them to Christ (see: 2 Corinthians 6:14-18). I’m not looking for Mr. Perfect. Mr. Perfect doesn’t exist for anyone. But I do have a clear idea of the type of man I know God has out there for me and I will never give up looking for him.
I am not suggesting you “trust your heart” to man, yet. I am suggesting you venture a little toe outside your comfort zone and meet people (women and men). If you are a hammer, then everything looks like a nail. Learn about the people you meet. Learn about their judgment. Really get to know them. This takes time. This takes years. You shouldn’t be in a hurry. If one is a man, REFUSE to be swept off your feet. A relationship is as much about where the two of you are in your life as it is the people. Do not allow your relationship with him cloud your judgement. You were not ready. You just didn’t want to be alone. I feel it would have ended and it would not have ended well. But now, you are learning how to be alone. You are learning not to need a man. [One of my favorite quotes about trusting your decision process: "Good decisions come from experience, and experience comes from bad decisions.".]
I picked the wrong item from your list to use as an example (mainly because I couldn’t remember much else from your list). That doesn’t change my premise. Your list of deal-breakers is as long as my arm. Mr. Perfect will be required to satisfy everything on a long list. [And most of the lapsed Catholics I know are still Christians, they just don't love their Church. I hope you know better than to confuse church attendance with faith. If you follow Jesus, you are part of His Church. I don't think that are any biblical requirements to go to some building. I have been to more than my share of bad churches and seen more than my share of bad preachers. It can be a frustrating journey to find a church (lower case c) that you believe in. ]
Alright – pay attention – No where did I say “must attend church.” But you are right, attendance doesn’t equal faith however it is still a pretty good indication. No, you don’t worship God on the golf course, not to say it can’t happen, but you’re not there for the express purpose of worshiping God. In either case, these are topics that can be chased all on it’s own. No more comments on this one. You’re too long winded & you’re starting to frustrate me.
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