This. This, being single. Being alone. Being the only grown up in the house with no one to answer to. It’s by choice that I am alone. And it is by choice that I wish to stay this way. My 37 year old self is very confident in this choice. Will my 40 year old self feel the same way?
I keep thinking that the older I get, the wiser my decision making skills will become. Then I scoff at that thought because I look back at the choices I’ve made over the past three years and wonder what on Earth I was thinking. Those I chose to leave. Those I chose to embrace. Those that will haunt me when I let my guard down.
My choices were flawed in one way or the other. Do I feel better equipped now? Yes, I do. I feel as if I’m on a path with a perfect compass in my hand. I’m still searching for the next experience or the next task before me. Only this time my filter is different. I may not know exactly what I’m supposed to do, but I believe with all that I am, that I will be able to discern what I’m *not* supposed to be doing.
God’s will for my life is never clearly presented with a full set of instructions and guidelines. But what He doesn’t want for me is very clear. If only I choose to acknowledge and follow.
What happens if I stumble across a man who is like minded? One who is also searching? Just the thought of that makes me sigh heavily.
The Girl will ask me impossible questions sometimes. She wonders about the most remote possibilities and wants definitive answers to the “what if” questions in life. I shake my head in frustration sometimes because while I can’t ever imagine some of those scenarios coming to life, she can. In her mind if she can think it up then it’s a possibility. Is this how God sees us sometimes? Does He shake His head in amazement at the far out impossibilities we come up with?
I have to trust in Him. I want to. I have to. I do.